Goodbye, Winnipeg

Here is a little photo-essay paying tribute to the years I just spent living in Winnipeg. It's definitely not as appealing as the photography on Winnipeg Love-Hate, which is a photo-blog by someone with a particularly talented eye.




These are various picturesque scenes of Winnipeg in all her April glory...











and finally...

ESCAPE!

So, We're Leaving...

...you're probably not surprised, as a New Yorker in Winnipeg is usually a fish out of water. And water there seems to be a lot of, as the threat of flooding looms large. But before I say my goodbyes, I wanted to touch on what I feel are the strong points of Winnipeg - the things that make an otherwise miserable place bearable.

• TenSpa: This luxurious spa at the Fort Garry Hotel is a truly pleasurable experience, although the massages are rather wimpy. The spa boasts a Turkish bath, delicious complementary refreshments, and fragrant skin treatments. It also boasts New York prices, but this may be forgiven.

• Dental Offices: Although the publicly-funded medical care in Winnipeg is antiquated and sometimes downright scary (I know of a heart attack patient who has been awaiting surgery for three weeks), you'll find state-of-the-art dental care in Winnipeg (probably because it is privately funded). The hygienists at the Cholakis office offer one of the most pain-free cleanings you're likely to find. Unfortunately, the dentist will not see you unless you come in for a separate appointment, so unless you do this, your X-rays will not be analyzed. The office is often booked months in advance, but once you do finally get in, there's a playroom with Wii and Guitar Hero for the kids.
  

• Support for New Moms: Winnipeg offers an unparalleled array of free and low-cost services for new moms. There are weekly new mom support groups, $2 indoor playgrounds with toys and rides, free classes at which you can make a scrapbook while people read to your child, and music and crafts classes. Many of these groups give out free, healthy snacks. The long, cold, depressing Winnipeg winters make attendance at these groups almost essential for mental health.

• A Rich Musical Tradition: There's a great tradition of vocal music and folk music in Winnipeg with festivals like Folkfest. The Mennonite religious group, which is prevalent here, is forbidden from dancing, so they channel all of their energy into singing, with impressive results.

• Baked Expectations: A slice of cake at this bakery costs $8, but it's one of the most delicious $8 of cake (or cheesecake, or pie) that you're likely to taste. According to a friend of mine who used to work there, they use organic eggs and butter and the highest-quality ingredients. I like the Key lime pie, old-fashioned chocolate cake, chocolate-banana cream pie, and chocolate cake with orange mousse.
  

• Some Lovely People: Although I feel that Winnipeg is an awfully provincial place, I was lucky to make some of the most wonderful friends here (some of whom plan to leave). Just in case one of them is reading this blog, please do not take offense: none of this is directed at you.

Goodbye, and goodbye to paying 20% more than Americans for identical products! (By the way, it's snowing out today.) Have a great summer, once it finally gets here, and don't get bitten by too many mosquitoes!

Ha.

The joke's on the New York Times, and... Winnipeg.

Winnipeg: Not the Place to Get Heart Surgery

This is one good reason why. Another good reason: a neighbor's daughter had a heart attack three weeks ago, and she's still waiting for surgery. There are not enough doctors, nurses, or beds.

Do Winnipeggers Hate NYC?

At least some of them want to blow it up.

Just Another Inconvenience...

Male Strippers in Winnipeg

Interestingly, one of the main Google search terms for this Website is the above. I hate to break it to you, but if this is what you are looking for... you won't find it on this blog.

TDBank Canada Distrust

Early on in the history of this blog, I wrote about how difficult it is to establish credit in Canada if you've recently moved here. (I've also heard the same about the U.S. from Canadians.) But I've recently encountered banking difficulties here (specifically with TDBank Canada Trust) that are unheard of in the U.S.

U.S. checks take about a month to clear in a Canadian account, and unfortunately, if you deposit one, a Canadian bank can decide to freeze your entire account for an unspecified amount of time. This means that no matter what kind of funds you put in your account, you have no access to them. This is what just happened to me. I deposited a U.S. check and was told that it would be held for a month. Apparently, this also ensured that the Canadian checks I deposited afterwards would also be held; I literally have no access to any of the money in my account for at least ten more days. A call to the customer service line proved useless, as this was apparently a branch decision.

Where to Stay in Winnipeg

If you're still considering visiting Winnipeg after reading this blog, here is one of the delightful lodging options in this town (I refuse to use the word "city"). Conveniently located in the hippie Wolseley area, it apparently accepts a variety of payment options. (Grandpa's gold tooth or Great-Grandma's wedding ring might be suitable.)

Prairie Pride

I made a realization this week about Winnipeg. The people who live here are profoundly proud of it. They are also, at heart, rural. Longtime Winnipeggers (I'm not referring to recent immigrants and refugees) talk of the mystique of the flat prairie, of things like "hoarfrost," of being connected to the land. Local singers write songs about the snow and the joys of being prairie people.

Also, the culture is analog, not digital. There are used CD stores (even in the mall), video stores and independent bookstores. There's no such thing as FreshDirect. The secretaries at health clinics riffle through endless sheafs of paper files - nothing has been digitized. The cashiers at the nicest children's store in town handwrite receipts and figure out taxes with a calculator. It sometimes feels as though one is living in 1975.

So, I think it's a mistake to categorize Winnipeg as a city. That's the mistake I made when I moved here. And that's why it's so foreign to me. My family doesn't have roots here, and I wouldn't know a farmer if one smacked me over the head with an apple. I'm used to places where the city center is where all the action is. I'm not a tractor person or even a car person. The heart of Winnipeg is not in the six-block-wide "downtown." It's in the prairie.

Finally, I will close by quoting a post from a Winnipeg message board that sheds a lot of light on the mentality here - the fierce "pride," if you will:

"I actually live in Winnipeg, I have for the past 21 years and would never move. This is my home. Those of you who have never been here, don't judge Winnipeg until you have. Those of you who have only visited, you're just not as tough as the rest of us. It takes a truly special person to live in Winnipeg, to put up with temperatures anywhere from +40C to -50C, snowstorms in April and the worst mosquitoes you'll ever see. Winnipeggers are some of the toughest sons of bitches you'll ever meet, especially ones who are lifers - just look at what we must endure. Sure we say Winnipeg is a s***hole, but only Winnipeggers can say it because, well, we live here... to anyone else to who says it we have two words for you: F*** you! I'm a proud Winnipegger!!! Wouldn't live anywhere else."

Just about says it all, doesn't it?

It's York Ave...

Except it isn't.

More Canadian Foods I Don't Understand

Pickled eggs. Is this really the optimal way to enjoy the flavor of an egg? And yet there seems to be a sizable amount of people who enjoy this dubious snack - even going so far as to post recipes.

Fortunately, there's a way to get that taste out of your mouth. New York Flatbreads (yes, they're really from New York; they're from Westbury, not NYC, but New York nonetheless). Available
at The Forks.

On the Positive Side

I realize that this blog might read like an onslaught of negativity, so I thought I might write about some of the good things about Winnipeg.

• There are some genuinely nice people. (Usually not on the bus, though.)

• There are a few good restaurants. (I wrote about them below.)

• From what I understand, Folklorama, the Fringe Festival and the Folk Festival are enjoyable summer attractions. (I haven't been.)
  

• As with many economically challenged places (say, Bushwick), there is a thriving artistic underground.

• It's multicultural.
  

That's it for now! I have to go throw away my suede boots because the melting snow (yes, there's a rare thaw today) waterlogged them and ruined them. What was I thinking.

Nickel and Dimed

There's a famous book called Nickel and Dimed: On Not Getting By in America by Barbara Ehrenreich. But in my opinion, you haven't been nickled and dimed until you've moved to Winnipeg. (This picture was taken at a local grocery store.)

A recent article in the Globe and Mail talks about how Canadian companies charge much higher prices for the same goods you can find in the U.S. This practice persists even though the Canadian dollar has basically achieved parity with the American dollar.

Frostnip, Frostbite and Fear Thereof

It's been about -10F lately (without windchill). I went out for a few minutes today - I know I should've worn gloves, but I figured I wouldn't be out for very long. The skin on the back of my hands is now red, bumpy, and feels like it's been burned.

"What do you think this is?" I asked my husband. "Windburn, or something?"

"Maybe it's frostbite," he offered helpfully.

"FROSTBITE? Isn't that something you can die from?"

"Well, I'm sure there are milder cases," he replied. So off I went to Google to find out if I had frostbite, and I found this helpful article for expats at the North Pole. Thankfully, I do not have frostbite.

What Happens If You Slip

This is a typical unshoveled Winnipeg sidewalk. As you can imagine, it's very difficult to navigate. Today I saw a 60-year-old man lying flat on his back on the road next to the sidewalk. I wondered if he'd had a heart attack while trying to walk - I'm sure it's happened before. But I think he'd just slipped and fallen, as he was lucid.

A couple young men called the police for the man. Two policemen arrived, parked their car in front of the man, and told him that they couldn't do anything, as they weren't medically trained. They said that at least they'd blocked the road - but they hadn't really done that. To really block the man's supine form from oncoming traffic, they would've had to park their car sideways and lay some cones down on the ground. But the way they were parked, a car could have easily swerved around them and hit the man.

Five minutes passed. A fire truck arrived. The firemen produced a blanket with which they covered the man, and then they drove away. The man continued to lie in the road in 10-degree weather (-24 with the windchill). I don't know how long he lay there, or who (if anyone) finally figured out a way to get him off of the road, but I was watching the scene for at least 15 minutes.

How About Some Whipped Cream and Jimmies On Your Steak?

Here's another example of the peculiar predilection for overly sweet flavors I find at many Winnipeg restaurants. Shrimp with pineapple, grapes and peaches, really? Might as well add some chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a maraschino cherry on there. And this is one of the better restaurants in Winnipeg.

A Real Taste of Winnipeg

I was talking to a couple of Winnipeg moms the other day when the subject of bannock came up. "What on earth is that?" I asked. "It's a popular food in Winnipeg," they said. So, what exactly is this local delicacy? It's a fried bread made with melted lard that has long been, um, "enjoyed" by fur traders. I assume that whoever came up with this idea suffered from a bad case of tastebud frostbite. These days, bannock is often eaten by survivalists and the nutty outdoorsmen who celebrate the annual Festival du Voyageur, which is held in a park during the coldest month of the year (check out the appealing menu that festivalgoers will enjoy when they're finished sampling all the pea soup recipes). Incidentally, one of the other exciting activities at this festival is a beard-growing contest - I imagine it's kind of like watching paint dry. (Sort of like living in Winnipeg.)

Today's Weather

Temperature in NYC right now: 32 degrees. Temperature in Winnipeg: -15. (That's without windchill.) I don't think I'm going out today.

Strolling in the Tundra

There are some saving graces about Winnipeg, but you'll have to dig for them under feet of snow. (Literally! Have you ever tried navigating a stroller through snowdrifts over sheets of ice?) One such saving grace is the Wolseley Family Centre, which provides a supportive place for frazzled mothers and their 0-6-year-olds. There's a playroom with a daily snack hour for kids, free cooking classes, a baby music class, and more. Unfortunately, the centre, ahem, center, is also home to some of the more troubled elements of Winnipeg society. A friend of mine had a homeless man remark on the physical beauty of her baby and indicate his desire to touch her, and today an unhinged woman on the couch was ranting about how her partner needed to have sex with a different woman every day.

It Isn't All Baconnaise

One popular delicacy which is found at Winnipeg Safeways is Baconnaise. This culinary travesty can be poured on anything from iceberg lettuce to French fries. But I'd like to use this post to write about some of the good food you can find in town, although I assume you're never going to eat it, since you're not going to visit.

True, there are a lot of heartbreakingly bad restaurants, and places that seem promising until you hit the main course, but there are a few bright spots. In my opinion, the best foodie-type places are Segovia, a nouveau tapas place, Billabong, an adventurous Australian restaurant in a dive-bar atmosphere, and the Inn at the Forks, which offers a side of jazz with the food. You can get a good steak at Hermano's. Avoid Sydney's, which clumsily executes a seemingly haute cuisine menu, every Italian restaurant including Buccaccino's, Mona Lisa and Bellissimo, and almost all Thai restaurants (except Bangkok Thai Restaurant - this place is consistently good). At Fude, the food is mostly too sweet (people have a fondness for cranberries on top of everything here).

For more casual fare, the various Stella's locations offer a pretty good breakfast (although the pancakes are overrated - they're much better at Billabong's brunch). (Note: Do NOT order eggplant parmesan at Stella's; it's the worst I've ever had.) There are good egg wraps and smoothies at Fresh Cafe, although I'm not a fan of the home fries or sweet potato latkes. At The Forks, there is a surprisingly good fish and chips stand. Confusion Corner Bar & Grill has good sweet potato fries and bison back ribs. Baked Expectations sells terrific cakes and cheesecakes, while Lilac Bakery (fashioned after Magnolia) and the new Cupcake Barista (bizarre name) have excellent cupcakes. Burritos Del Rio is fresh and cheap (it's sort of like Chipotle). Good Chinese food is scattered around town, but you will probably find most places disappointingly bland. Tasty Indian food is much easier to find - most people fancy the East India Company or Clay Oven. For Japanese, there are only two or so Japanese-owned restaurants, and one seems to be slipping. I've always had decent meals at Edohei, however.

(I was not impressed by any of the food I ate in St. Boniface, the nominally French area, but I have not eaten at In Ferno's, the most well-known eatery there.)

Before I close, I should mention that you really can't get a decent bagel with lox and cream cheese here, and certainly not a good knish or bowl of matzo ball soup. I am a New Yorker, after all...

Cabs

Here's just another little note. Cabs in Winnipeg are actually more expensive than those in NYC. In Winnipeg, the starting fare is $3.50, as opposed to $2.50 (although NYC cabs never used to have a nighttime charge or an extra fee that is supposedly going to the MTA), and it goes up in ten-cent increments about every other second.

Also, if you want to pay with a credit card in Winnipeg, the cab driver will pull out one of those ancient carbon-copy thingamajigs and hand you a pen that is running out of ink - nothing automated here.

One Advantage to Winnipeg

After a brutal 12-hour trip from NYC (flight delays oh my!), I naturally caught a bad cold. The only medication that usually works on me is Allegra, and I wondered how I might get some. Would I have to submit to an onerous clinic visit in order to get a prescription?

I was pleasantly surprised to find that Allegra is available at Shoppers Mart without a prescription. In the U.S., people use it to make crystal meth, but it's so damn expensive in Canada that people sniff hairspray or glue instead. So, people who are genuinely suffering have an effective weapon in their arsenal against sinus symptoms.

It's "Bearly" Believable...

...that someone would want to visit Manitoba. But here it is, more evidence that the province's PR campaign has New Yorkers in its sights. I personally know a couple who traveled to the town of Churchill to see polar bears. (Apparently, this small community of 4,000 people pays $4 for a loaf of Wonder Bread.)

ETA: I'm back in Winnipeg for the winter. The blizzard in NYC actually prepared me for it.

They Paved Hell and Put Up A Parking Lot

(Sorry, Joni Mitchell.) According to this article, downtown Winnipeg largely consists of over 150 surface parking lots. This is why:

"Local planners say the late 1960s and '70s saw a significant shift of residents and capital out of the downtown and into the suburbs -- a phenomenon common in many North American cities but particularly acute in Winnipeg. As building after building was abandoned, many of them historic and expensive to redevelop, owners demolished instead of renovating. Surface parking lots took their place, seen as a temporary way to make cash to cover maintenance and property taxes while the market improved enough to make building a condo tower or office building worthwhile. Problem is, thanks to a slow growth economy that still hasn't quite happened."

I don't expect this to ever change, and this is part of the reason Winnipeg is (in the words of a friend of mine) a "dying city." Here's an example. The Exchange District, which is the most beautiful part of the "downtown," has a high vacancy rate, and the mayor is not that interested in revitalizing it. Recently, this monstrosity (on the right) was built - a multi-story parkade. In New York, this would have been an opportunity for residential housing above, or shopping, or what-have-you. In Winnipeg, even the parkade is uninhabited - it's a ghost town of empty parking spaces, because most people don't come downtown.

Manitoba PR Office is Working Overtime

You can't put lipstick on a pig and call it Coco Chanel, but that's what the Winnipeg PR office must be trying to do. Recently, there was a glowing article in the New York Times about Winnipeg. One touts its "parka-clad diversity"(Winnipeg Free Press link) and "designer immigration." What the article neglects to mention is that when you have so many people trying to leave this hellhole, you have to try to recruit some poor suckers to move here. Immigrants to Winnipeg are largely unskilled refugees who are desperately trying to flee horrible political situations, so the last thing on their mind is a fear of ten-foot-long mosquitoes or -100 temperatures. (A much older article in the Times mentions the fact that Winnipeg has the largest population of unemployed aboriginals in Canada - not exactly cause for celebration.)

What I have to look forward to...

...when I get back to the tundra.

Out of morbid curiosity, I had been looking for the Farmer's Almanac online. Just how bad would this winter be? Instead, I found this site that predicts a year-long forecast. The news does not look good.

Winnipegosis

This sounds like a disease. And maybe it is, but it's also a town of 630 people (even smaller than Winnipeg) that is within driving distance of Winnipeg. Incidentally, both towns take their name from a Cree word that means "muddy water." Such a pleasant image...

Hooray

Tonight's low is 26 degrees Fahrenheit!

Farmers' Markets

The Union Square Greenmarket is one of my favorite places to be. It's kind of exotic to think of the "countryside" while hanging out in one of NYC's busiest areas.

Here in Winnipeg, the countryside is not so exotic. That farmer who grew that pumpkin probably lives less than a mile from you. A pervasive smell of manure seems to hang over the town.

Today, I went to the St. Norbert's farmers' market. Maybe it's because the temperature was 36 degrees with windchill factored in, but the experience left me a bit cold. It seemed that every other vegetable was a pumpkin. I wasn't quite taken in by all the pierogies and sausage. And this stand even made me nostalgic for all those brightly-colored Peruvian handknits.

Winnipeg's answer to brightly-colored Peruvian handknits:

Cowboys

New York has the Naked Cowboy. Winnipeg has this dude who hangs around the bathroom.

The Great Escape

No, I haven't made it yet. But here is the apparent alternative to "getting away" for Winnipeggers whose paychecks are too heavily taxed to leave much extra income for vacations.

Mariaggi's, a "downtown couple's resort," features themed rooms that include "refridgerators"(sic). You can "go" to "Exciting Mexico, Wild Africa, Sensual Morocco, Elegant Japan, Romantic Rome, Intriguing India, Passionate Hawaii."

All within Winnipeg!

Something Else I Don't Quite Understand About Canadian Tastes

A popular item at the Winnipeg Safeway ("The Grocery That Never Met a Trans-Fat It Didn't Like") is a Canadian line of - wait for it - flavored flaked canned tuna. There are seven lamentable varieties, including SPICY THAI CHILI TUNA! and SPICY PEANUT SATAY TUNA! The fourth ingredient in the "Thai" preparation is sugar. Just wrong. Wasn't poutine enough of a culinary affront?

"Authentic Italian Cuisine"

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Winnipeg has a mighty strange idea of what constitutes Italian food. People have a regrettable tendency to add pineapple to absolutely everything, from pizza (VitaHealth sells a locally made "pineapple feta banana pepper pizza") to pasta. I'm amazed that someone actually finds this "gambieri" (sic) dish appetizing (restaurant shall remain nameless).

Fortunately, there's a knife-sharpening business a couple doors down, in case the only way to forget this horribly offensive flavor is to kill yourself.










That is, if a vigilante tattoo artist hasn't yet done it for you. (Tattoo artistry seems to be one of the main industries in Winnipeg - that and substance abuse counseling.)

Another Reason Not To Have A Baby In Winnipeg

I'm so glad I got most of my prenatal care in New York. In Winnipeg, you are not usually granted the privilege of finding out the gender of your fetus. (One hospital stopped the practice after the ultrasound technician mistakenly told a couple that they were having a boy - and they sued because they would have aborted it. Another hospital refuses, citing "religious reasons.")

Something else to be deprived of!

Would I like to support Canadian mental health?

That was the question when I went to send a letter at the Shoppers Mart post office. I donated a "loonie," as did the gentleman behind me in line. (For those not in the know, a "loonie" is a dollar.) "Loonie" sounds awfully like "loony." Even the money is crazy here.

Scratch That

According to yet another Starbucks employee, plans for Starbucks breakfast sandwiches in Manitoba have now been scrapped. The reason: there is no local facility equipped to make and store the sandwiches, and the cost of importing from another province would be prohibitive. So - I guess Manitoba needs a new slogan instead of "Friendly Manitoba:" "Manitoba! The Only Province Without Starbucks Breakfast Sandwiches!"

Wasps

My son and I just landed in Winnipeg after a brief vacation, and we were warmly greeted by... wasps. It's wasp season, you see, and my orange stroller is an easy target. Today I had to duck into a health food store to protect my son. And I'm not often found in health food stores.

I was also greeted by someone posting "Welcome back!" on my Facebook wall, as if my return were a cause for celebration instead of mourning.

Stop The Presses

Among its other privations, Manitoba is the only Canadian province to lack - Starbucks breakfast sandwiches. Apparently, there's been a plan to bring them to this benighted land for four, count them, four years. According to local Starbucks baristas, the "infrastructure" just hasn't existed to produce these sandwiches to the strict Starbucks standards. Supposedly, this dire situation may be remedied by the end of 2010. If Winnipeggers and all other Manitobans are finally granted access to these sandwiches, it won't be a secret - there will be such a marketing campaign that everyone will know about it.


(They have breakfast sandwiches in Malaysia, for crying out loud...)

Winnipeg...

"Where the animals run free and the people are imprisoned." (courtesy of my aunt)

Do you get a "kick" out of Winnipeg?

The mayor of Winnipeg might get a kick out of you. (What a putz!)

Oh, That Nanny State

I'm not a libertarian by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing that really strikes me about living in Canada is the how the paternalistic tentacles of the Canadian government have a way of reaching into the farthest corners of your life. One thing that happened to me this year involved my Blackberry. As you have probably heard, one company practically has a monopoly over almost all Canadian cell phone service. I thought I would avoid this by keeping my American Blackberry with T-Mobile International E-mail service. Unfortunately, the Blackberry broke. To make a very long story short, I received a free, refurbished replacement Blackberry due to company error. End of story, or so I THOUGHT.

I soon received a barrage of phone calls about this Blackberry, implying that I owed the Canadian government $150 on this "purchase" from the United States. It took me a lot of calls and E-mails before I could convince them that I owed nothing, as the Blackberry was not a new purchase, but a free, refurbished replacement. How fun.

On a totally unrelated note, the lives of Canadian bodybuilders are also intimately affected by the all-seeing eye of the government - they are denied all supplements containing L-Carnitine (illegal in the country). Yet you can buy a joint on every corner of British Columbia!

What (Else) I'm Missing While I'm In New York

The mosquitoes are out with a vengeance this summer in Winnipeg. Unfortunately, a few protesters ensure that buffer zones are enforced against the removal of the bugs. Gotta love Canada! Although at this point I have to return to Winnipeg sometime in September, I hope this year is my last so as to avoid a hellish summer of cankerworms and skeeters. Why on earth do people live in Winnipeg? (Not to mention, apparently Saskatchewan and Manitoba are the only two Canadian provinces that will not have access to the new iPhone - because there's no 3G. Winnipeg: the most progressive, cutting-edge town around... if you lived in 1880!)

Something you'll never find in Winnipeg...

As I wrote before, it's almost impossible for a pregnant woman to get an ultrasound in Winnipeg. There are no doctor's offices that do the procedure, and there's only one hospital that will do it. Also, ultrasounds are usually rationed to one per woman per pregnancy. Gotta love that Canadian healthcare system!

(By the way, this picture was taken in NYC, obviously.)

If It's Not Mosquitoes, It's Cankerworms

Here's what I'm missing in Winnipeg while I'm away for the summer in NYC. Apparently these worms are so numerous that the ground appears to be moving for a few weeks every year.

You Can't Do This In Winnipeg...

I've just posted about my attempt to make my Winnipeg-born baby into a sophisticated man-about-Manhattan.

Another Difference Between NYC and Winnipeg

NYC actively creates media content. Winnipeg tries to repel it. (In fact, so does most of Canada; it's a wonder that there's HBO and an Amazon.com fulfillment center here. There was a lot of opposition to their being in Canada.)

Overheard in Winnipeg

A mother was walking with her four young girls near The Forks (Winnipeg's tourist area). The children had to all be six or younger. All of a sudden I heard the six-year-old scolding the toddler. "Mercy! Stop that!" I looked over to see what was going on. "Stop... dancing! Mom, she's DANCING!!!!"

If this bewilders you, let me offer an explanation; in Winnipeg, there is a large percentage of Mennonites, for whom dancing is forbidden. (What a way to live! Then again, maybe they have something in common with Bloomberg, who likes to do away with dancing at NYC venues.)

More Fun Facts Aboot Winnipeg

• April comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.

• If you want to forward your mail to an address in the United States, it will cost you $96.00. If you want to put your mail on hold for 4 months (the amount of time I will be spending in the United States this summer), it will cost you a whopping $160.00. (Is this part of why people seem to get stuck here and never leave? I'm reminded of the $25.00 "departure tax" I was once charged before flying home from Japan. Maybe they really wanted me to stay...)

• This one's pretty scary... if you plan to get pregnant in the province of Manitoba (or even if you don't), you are allotted one (count them, ONE) ultrasound during the duration of your entire pregnancy. Personally, I know of a couple labor/delivery horror stories in Winnipeg... one woman ended up in a coma after having a C-section. Should ultrasounds be rationed as a matter of course?
  

American Citizenship for a New Winnipegger - A Difficult Process

I'm trying to find out how to secure American citizenship for my Winnipeg-born baby. I'd been under the impression that the process would cost $460, but now I think I'm mistaken. It's just that it's so difficult to navigate the byzantine websites of the U.S. State Department and U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. Some of the 1-800 numbers only work in the United States, which is obviously no help when you're 62 miles north of the border. (Yes, it's only 62 miles, but it's a different world!)

All of this mess could have been avoided had there been a working U.S. consulate in Winnipeg. But according to a local I talked to, Winnipeggers actually chased the U.S. consulate out with a series of protests. So, in order to file a consular report of a birth abroad, I would actually have to fly with the baby to Calgary or some other less benighted Canadian city. (Americans really do not belong in Winnipeg!)

One is supposed to report a birth abroad as soon as possible, but it's not advisable to fly with a newborn until he is at least 8 weeks old. Now that we finally have a Canadian passport for our baby, we will fly to the United States and try to address the issue there.

You Know You're In Winnipeg When...

...you are carrying a tray of drinks and an old woman says to you, "Nice day for a Slurpee, eh?"

(I wouldn't be caught dead drinking one of those artificially colored chemical stews. I was holding an iced tea and a mango banana smoothie.)

What's Holding You Up From Moving to Winnipeg?

Is it the holdups?

The Biggest Relief...

...would be a one-way plane ticket out of Winnipeg, and here is one more reason! Apparently, that hot chick (or chap) you picked up at the King's Head Inn gave you a reason to PEE IN A CUP.

Hotel Canada, Part Two

So, I finally got my baby's passport in the mail.

However, I invalidated it inadvertently. In the United States, the parent is supposed to sign his child's passport. But in Canada, the parent is not allowed to. My hasty signature has necessitated that the whole application process be started again - and I have to send in the old passport.

High School Teacher Hijinks

Well, here is a similarity between Winnipeg and NYC; some of the high school teachers should find a new profession. In Winnipeg, a couple of them simulated a highly evocative lapdance at a pep rally, and in NYC, a janitor found two teachers naked in a classroom.

Hotel Canada

If you have a baby, you can check out of Canada anytime you like, but you can never leave. Let's say you want to take the baby to visit your mother in the States, but your husband is working and can't come. In order for you to be able to leave the country without him, he must write a letter giving you permission, and it must be notarized. (The letter is only good for that particular trip.)

If you give birth in Canada, things are even more complicated. Obviously, you have to get your baby a passport, and there are all kinds of rules for this process. As I wrote in a previous post, passport photos are subject to all kinds of specifications. Also, you need to have known a Canadian for two years or more, and this Canadian must sign your child's passport application. (It used to be that the guarantor had to be a member of an approved profession.) But what happens if you are visiting Canada for the first time and give birth? Do you have to stay in the country with your baby for two years?

Last week, my husband and I had passport photos taken for our new baby. "We do them in black and white," explained the photographer, "because sometimes they are rejected if the person's coloring is different, like, if they have a sunburn or something." (There is no danger of our baby getting a sunburn in the middle of a Winnipeg winter, but whatever.) We then went over to the passport office. We produced the application and photos, and I lifted the baby out of the Bjorn so that the clerk could see him and ascertain that he was the baby in the photo.

No dice. Apparently, the Canadian who signed our passport application also was required to write "I certify this to be a true likeness of (name)" on one of the passport photos (as well as sign and date it). It wasn't enough that we had the baby with us, who was obviously the subject of the photos.

Club Fantasy

This place was voted one of the top five strip clubs in Winnipeg, because it had a shower in the middle of the room. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your view), it is now closed (like many places in Winnipeg, including Gluttons, which many considered the best restaurant).

What I'm wondering is, did they reenact fantasies of, say, permanently escaping Winnipeg? How much would that cost?

Male Strippers Wanted

It's not just single male oenophiles that Winnipeg lacks; apparently, the city also could use some more male strippers.

That "blizzard" NYC is having...

...is just every winter day in Winnipeg!

A Food Post

There are hundreds of NYC-based food blogs, but I've only managed to find three based in Winnipeg: Winnipeg Eats, Savour Winnipeg, and Karen Food. To be honest, I haven't found that much food worth blogging about in Winnipeg, but I'll write at least one post about it.

• Food Delivery. In NYC, the local food delivery service is SeamlessWeb. Many offices use it to order lunch. In Winnipeg, there is Mobile Maitre'D. I was hungry for lunch the other day, so I called the service - and got a recording saying that if you want to order lunch, you have to do it 24 hours in advance.

• The Grocery. Mayor Bloomberg has been banning trans fats from NYC groceries, and he's also been on an anti-salt crusade. In Winnipeg, you'll find trans fats in everything from pie crusts to, probably, donuts (someone should call Tim Horton's to ask about that), and foods processed for Canadians apparently have a higher sodium content than for Americans, even when they are produced by the same companies. (So if I don't have a heart attack falling on the ice, that frozen dinner is gonna get me. Speaking of which - why doesn't Winnipeg shovel off its snow-covered sidewalks? Only the roads get shoveled.)
  

• Local Specialties. It's hard to say what the local specialty is in NYC, because there's such great food of all kinds. Winnipeg has a large Ukrainian population, so you can find pierogies everywhere.
  

I got in a rather interesting discussion about foods Canadians like that you can't find in the U.S. I'm not sure these are any great loss, but here they are: 1) "Ketchup Chips"; and 2) "Keel." "What is keel?" I asked a Winnipegger. "Well in the U.S., when you order a bucket of fried chicken, they don't even put in the keel. But in Canada it's the most expensive part. It's the part of the chicken closest to the ass." I knew there was something very wrong about this answer, so I Googled, and the Winnipegger was wrong... the keel is the cartilagey bit between the breasts of the chicken. Still sounds pretty damn unappetizing.

Applying For Your Canadian Passport

As you might know, I have a new son. His arrival has necessitated that I fill out all sorts of forms - a birth registration, an application for a Social Insurance Number (this can only be done by mail if I enclose his original birth certificate - doesn't sound like a great idea), an application for a Manitoba Health card, and a passport. (I plan to bring him to the States this summer and intend to apply for the U.S. version of all these documents - excluding the health card, as health care won't come to the U.S. until pigs fly.)

While checking out the requirements for a Canadian passport, I came across this amusing list of examples of "unacceptable passport photos." (Look at the schlub in the last picture.) Fortunately (doesn't this sound ludicrous), "Passport Canada recognizes the difficulty in obtaining a neutral expression of a newborn and will allow for some tolerance in this regard." Some tolerance?

Sophisticated Single Men Sought in Winnipeg

The cosmopolitan NYC man knows he can meet his female counterpart at one of the many wine tastings around the city. But in Winnipeg, most men are off swilling Molson Canadian Beer while they cheer on the Blue Bombers or get suspended from university because of their participation in fight clubs.

So if you are a suave male wine appreciator, you might be accosted by female admirers at Winnipeg's Mona Lisa Restaurant. (Hey, it's worth a shot. Or maybe "shot" isn't the right word.)

Winnipeg - If You Can't Be Number One, Be Number Twenty-Two

Article here.

New York is to Mace as Winnipeg is to...

...bear spray. Who knew that this innocuous product had such insidious urban uses.

To Improve Winnipeg, Hire a New Yorker

It seems that there are two kinds of cities; those with vibrant downtowns (New York) and those with crumbling ones (Winnipeg), where residents flee to the suburbs every day at 5 p.m. The Winnipeggers I've spoken to say that the current mayor, Sam Katz, is quite pro-suburbanization, as most of his constituents live in outlying areas and do not appreciate the benefits of a lively, diverse downtown. Still, the city of Winnipeg paid a New York consultant to do a 109-page study about how to improve the downtown area. (Unfortunately, although he tried to put a hopeful spin on things - he had to, for being paid $30,000 - the consultant found that prospects for downtown are... not the brightest.)

Baby Nurses in Winnipeg

Winnipeg is a very family-focused town. Not many people use baby nurses, but the service does exist; you just have to look for it. And search I did. At first, I made the mistake of hiring a "post-partum doula service" - soon, we had unkempt, earth-motherish types bringing over fenugreek pills and books about post-partum depression, and offering me a pedicure so I could "feel like a woman again." Then, we thankfully found a couple services which were more along the lines of what we were looking for. Last night, I asked an aide from one of these services if she had any horror stories of being on the job in Winnipeg.

She told me that one night, she was called to an apartment on Corydon Avenue (for some reason, this street is known as the "Little Italy" of Winnipeg, although there aren't many Italian businesses on it, and the gelato is overrated and artificially colored). The client, a young woman in a long black skirt, let her in, showed her the baby's room, and then left for the night.

Six hours turned to seven, and then eight. The client never came back. The aide was stuck with the baby, and she had to leave. She looked around for a phone and couldn't find one. She decided there was no choice but to knock on the neighbor's door. A sleepy-headed woman poked her head out.

"Can I please use your phone to call my office?" she pleaded. The woman asked her to wait. The aide waited patiently outside for five minutes while the woman got herself together. Finally she was let in to call the office. The office manager said that Child Protective Services would be called if the client did not show up within the hour.

Somehow, the client's parents were located and contacted. Within thirty minutes, the client returned to pay the aide. She had a lot of cash on her, because she was a hooker who had fallen asleep in her john's room.

At least she had the presence of mind to call a baby nurse!

Giving Birth, Winnipeg-Style

Two weeks ago, my son was born at the same hospital where the infamous Winnipeg Toilet Baby was treated: Health Sciences Centre (a.k.a. Hell Sciences). I won't go into the gory details of the extremely complicated labor and delivery (suffice it to say that the whole freaking hospital employs ONE, count him, ONE anesthesiologist), but I will mention an interesting detail. According to one of the nurses, one can often smell weed in the labor and delivery areas ("but not in the nice private rooms").

Happy New Year

I spent New Year's Eve watching the ball come down in Times Square... on CNN.

Let Them Eat Cold Cuts...

Everything was closed today for a bizarre holiday that I was completely unfamiliar with: Boxing Day. Apparently this was a day on which people would eat cold cuts. This is one food that is probably in abundance in meat-loving, landlocked Winnipeg. (If these folks had any sense at all, they would eat a hot meal instead; it's -6 F right now.)

On The Bright Side...

I went grocery shopping with a new friend today. We picked up several frozen and refrigerated food items. She asked the cashier how long the items would keep in her car. He replied, "It's colder outside than your refrigerator, so the items should keep even better in your car. That's one of the things I really like about Winnipeg!"

Travel to Winnipeg

After reading this blog, you're probably thinking, "Sign me up for a tour of Winnipeg right now!"

Well, there are several transportation options available to you. You could fly into Richardson "International" Airport, although there are no direct flights from most major cities. You could also hop on a train; it takes around two days to get to Winnipeg from Toronto or Vancouver. (There are no direct trains from Montreal, so you have to first take a six-hour train from there to Toronto and spend the night.)

Union Station, Winnipeg's, VIA Rail station, seems deserted, and the gift shop is devoid of any items. When you walk into the station, the lone clerk looks at you with suspicion. (It must be noted that VIA Rail engineers like to go on strike, so you might be stranded in Winnipeg if you do finally arrive here.) Amtrak only crosses the border in New York. Apparently, when Winnipeg was considered more of a destination (I assume this was many years ago), there were more options for cross-border train travel.

People can still take a two-day, three-bus trip from Chicago, or a much shorter trip from Grand Forks, ND (also quite the destination), although some claim that the U.S. Canada border is one of the rudest in the world. Within Canada, there is a Greyhound bus that can take you from Edmonton to Winnipeg. However, this route is notorious for random beheadings and cannabilizations.

Still want to visit?

Something is the matter with this woman...

"So long fiance, hello minus 40."

It's 14 degrees outside...

...and most people aren't even wearing hats.

(In NYC, it's 50 degrees.)

ETA: One day later, December 5, it's... 1 degree outside. "But it's a dry cold!" say many Winnipeggers when you ask about the winter temperatures. "Not like that bone-chilling humidity in NYC that really goes through your bones." Want to guess what the humidity is in Winnipeg right now, at 1 degree Fahrenheit?

92%.

Progress?

The province of Manitoba is Canada's murder and child poverty capital. But help is on the way! The powers that be have decided that Winnipeg will get its first(!) police helicopter. And to address that pesky problem of people lost to violence, there will be a tax credit for women using fertility treatments - the population should be replaced in no time.

A New Yorker and a Winnipegger Switch Places

New Yorkers are often thought of as being rude. Winnipeggers, or Canadians in general, are usually seen as polite, or at least not antisocial. Yesterday I was in a situation in which there was a role reversal.

I was on my way to the Polo Park Mall (where I was soon to find that a pair of boots that costs $139 in the states is a whopping $259 in Canada, but that's another story). I embarked on the Number 11 bus. In front of me was a kindly-looking old woman with a couple of bags. She sat down in a two-seater, placed her bags next to the window, and sat in the aisle.

I'm nine months pregnant, so I didn't think it would be too much to ask if she might move into the window seat. In my best facsimile of Canadian civility, I asked the woman, "I'm nine months pregnant. May I please sit down?"

She began rustling her belongings. I thought she was moving into the window seat, but instead she got up in a huff, and in a true Prairie accent, exploded, "Oh, this fucking CRAP ALL THE TIME!"

After my initial shock, I was actually gratified.

The Tube

Although the weather has been unseasonably warm this fall, I have a feeling that the television will provide most of our entertainment this winter (hell if I'm going out when it's -40). Unfortunately, a TIVO box is not included in the price of monthly cable, so we've been going without. And many times, when I try to select a show, a screen will come up saying something like "CTV CALGARY, SUBSCRIPTION ONLY, CALL YOUR CABLE PROVIDER." So, what's left besides endless reruns of Larry King?

• Canada's Worst Driver. This is apparently a really popular show, according to "Tv Eh."

• Great Canadian Lakes. A six-part series! And just in case it makes you want to jump into a lake, there's also:

• Prairie Pulse. (Does it have one???)

ETA: There is no Netflix in Canada, and Hulu.com and Amazon.com Video on Demand are blocked due to "licensing restrictions." It's going to be a long winter.

ManHood

Caution: a link in this post is NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK. If you are reading this page at work and click on the link, your boss will fire you. Don't worry, I will warn you when you reach this link.

This post is about circumcision. In Canada, the procedure is actively discouraged - there have been some high-profile cases where something went horribly wrong - unfortunately, some of these cases have taken place in Winnipeg. A few years ago, a Winnipeg MD was disciplined for assigning a trainee to perform a circumcision ON THE WRONG BABY (the preceding link is OK to click on), and then there's the infamous John/Joan case (this link is also OK).

So what is a guy to do if he is one of the few who underwent a circumcision in Manitoba? Why, he buys one of these (HERE! HERE IS THE FORBIDDEN LINK) contraptions.

Fun Facts About Winnipeg

• New York City has two hockey teams: the Islanders and the Rangers. Winnipeg has - zero. The city lost its hockey team, the Winnipeg Jets, to, of all places... sunny Phoenix, Arizona.

• I don't know if this fact applies to just Winnipeg, just Manitoba, or all of Canada, but apparently a Winnipeg teacher is not allowed to use a minus score when grading students (A-, B-, etc.); however, he may use a "plus."

• If you plan to get married in Winnipeg, a popular local activity is to hold a rent party to pay for the wedding. This party is called a "social," and just because you contribute does not mean you are necessarily invited to the wedding.

• If you want your marriage to lead to the baby carriage, there is only one place in Winnipeg that is equipped to conduct an amniocentesis: the Health Sciences Centre Hospital.
  

• Winnipeg apparently has the highest concentration of dandruff sufferers in North America. When a dandruff shampoo company wants to test its product, it comes to Winnipeg. (See article: "Winnipeg Residents Have the Flakiest Scalps.") (Would you like to participate in a study held by Hill Top Research? Click on this link and scroll down to Dandruff! Dry Scalp?)
  

• Winnipeg is proud of its title as "Slurpee Capital of the World."
  

Quiz: Are You A New Yorker or a Winnipegger?

A. Multiple Choice

1. It's 30 degrees Fahrenheit out (-1.1 degrees Celsius). Is it

a) autumn
b) winter

2. What kind of outerwear is suitable for this temperature?
a) a light jacket
b) a down coat

B. Audio-Visual Portion

Record yourself pronouncing the words on this Winnipeg travel agency sign and send them to me. I will then determine, withoot a doot, whether you are a New Yorker or a Winnipegger.

City-Specific Chain Restaurants

For years, chains have been conquering the world, but it's always interesting to see how they've tried to adapt to the local culture. When I was in Madrid, I made a game of checking out the McDonald's menu to see which items had been tailored to the Iberian palate. In Tokyo, I found that the KFC's served pizza with a layer of shredded chicken underneath the cheese.

In Winnipeg, the Starbucks have... working fireplaces.

Why Does Anyone Fly Air Canada?

Typical round-trip weekend fares from Winnipeg to Chicago:

Air Canada $1009
Delta Airlines $261
Northwest $261
United Airlines $371

Junk Mail

I assumed that one wouldn't receive as much tree-destroying junk mail in progressive Canada, but I'm regularly finding all sorts of random paper in the mailbox. On top of the Domino's and Safeway's coupons are brochures from political figures and the local government. My favorite so far is this newsletter from some organization that is funded by "Healthy Child Manitoba." It urges the reader to sing this song to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat:

Wash, wash, wash your hands
Many times a day
Scrub and rub,
Rinse and dry,
And throw the germs away.

Flight of the Bumblef***

Although Winnipeg Customs officials like to play fetch with explosives-sniffing dogs, the folks at the security gate are seriously hardcore. I found out this weekend, when I flew to a town even further into the boondocks of Midwestern Canada (where the main attraction is a bar where you spin a roulette wheel to try to win a free steak dinner). At some of these bumblef*** airports, it's standard procedure to manually search EVERY carry-on after it passes through the machine. (It must be said that my experience was not as bad as that of the poor wheelchair-bound woman in front of me on my return trip. She made the mistake of naively carrying three transparent plastic bags, into which she had deposited all of her medications. Well, every single item in that bag was opened by a particularly diligent - and moronic- "security" agent.)

On my flight out, I noticed that every single person who walked through the security gate was setting off the alarm. So, every single person was being wanded by Security. I made the mistake of remarking about this to the woman behind me. "It must be broken," I opined. "Maybe I should just take off all my clothes," I went on, not thinking of the consequences. I preemptively took off my shoes and placed them in a bin.

Well, this was the red flag the security people were waiting for. They saw a harried pregnant woman and that was it. "Come over here, ma'am." Reluctantly, I did. An older man with a buzz cut asked me "how I was doing," in a tone of voice that said, "I want to get your goat." Mistake number two on my part - I replied, "Great, except my flight is boarding."

This provided the incentive for the man to slow his manual search of my handbag to a snail's pace. It was excruciating to watch him go through my Atlantic, my Economist. Finally I just put my hand on the bag and (mistake number three) blurted, "Just empty it out!! I'm from New York and they don't make you go through this, and WE'RE the ones who got hit on 9/11." The man said smugly, "You're in a different country now, ma'am," and called in a reinforcement - a female security official with overplucked eyebrows and a tight face. "I was trying to search this woman's bag and she grabbed it," he tattled.

"I just want to get on my flight, because it's boarding. Now where's my other bag????!"

"What other bag?" they both looked at each other and asked.

"My OTHER BAG that was just RIGHT HERE," I replied. "If something happened to it..."

It turns out I was considered such a threat that my other bag, which contained such contraband items as underwear, was put through the machine AGAIN after I made my ill-advised comments. I stood there while yet another official looked through all my undergarments. It was all I could do to not continue mouthing off.

I know I should have kept quiet, but I was pissed off because I'm pregnant and wanted to be left alone. However, I can't really complain after seeing what the handicapped woman had to go through. And I have now realized that if you want to get on an airplane in Midwestern Canada, you should leave an extra hour, because that's how long it will take for Security to manually search your bag.

Crime

Yes, crime (did you know there was crime in Canada? I thought it was a socialist paradise where everyone was courteous at all times). Over the weekend, two incidents happened in my neighborhood, one of which I just missed witnessing. In the first incident, I was walking back from the nearby Safeway (one of only two 24-hour grocery stores in the city) when I saw a man whose face was covered with mud. He was being led away by two men in outfits that appeared to be fashioned from neon green duct tape. Behind him was a man on a cell phone, who explained, "Armed robbery. The guy had a knife." As I continued to walk, I saw an overturned bicycle in the dirt, so I assume the thief was knocked off his bike as he attempted to flee.

The second incident was this one. (I wonder where the offender bought his wig and sunglasses. There's a store nearby that sells Halloween costumes.)

It's kind of ironic that people think New York City is dangerous; while there, I mostly just witnessed car accidents. (Well, there was that one time that I was threatened by a kid who wanted to me to get up from my subway seat so he could make a "scratchiti" masterpiece on the window. But he didn't follow through.)

Would You Like Some Anarchy With Those Organic Tampons?

The Mondragon Bookstore & Coffeehouse is happy to provide you with it. Located in the Exchange District, the old (read, pedestrian-friendly) part of downtown Winnipeg, it offers a vegan menu, small organic grocery, and a selection of books in your favorite subjects: TERRORISM, FASCISM, and IMPERIALISM. You can ponder your application to the Institute for Anarchist Studies while you sip some lemon-maple-ginger tea and munch on "San Francisco tofu strips." The grocery contains "non-exploitative products" like the aforementioned organic tampons, "Green Beaver" paraben-free deodorant, and hemp milk.

For those who need to heed nature's call, there's an:



I wonder which gender forgot to flush.

More Random Observations

• There is no mail delivery on Saturdays. (!!!)

• Smokers make up a large percentage of the population of Winnipeg.

• There is no such thing as a discounted "lunch special"... so forget about that $4.99 chicken chow mein with egg drop soup; it'll cost you at least $10.

• Rooibos tea is quite popular.

• It's almost impossible to buy an individual stick of butter. It mostly comes in half-pound slabs.
  

• Almost all Winnipeggers from ages 15-20 have a very painful-looking facial piercing (or four) as well as an extensive body tattoo. (During the few weeks of summer, they actually have the opportunity to expose this skin art. Otherwise, it stays safely hidden behind a 700-fill goose down parka.)

• Many middle-aged female Winnipeggers sport the spiky "Kate" haircut (of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight").
  

• Did you know that -40 degrees Celsius and -40 degrees Fahrenheit are the same thing? (Isn't it great that you've never had to know this?)
  

Typical Winnipeg Restaurant Scene

I was told that this scary sartorial choice is not unique to Winnipeg, but I wish someone would tell these people that red does not go with purple.

Poop

In NYC, we mostly just have dog poop, and horse poop by Central Park South. But in Winnipeg, Manitoba, there are many other kinds of poop. The big one was left by a bison (exhibition courtesy of the Manitoba Museum).

How Could You Not Be Homesick?

On trips to different towns and cities outside of NYC, my snobby self used to chuckle at how different businesses would advertise themselves as "New York style." Ha. As if. As if you could duplicate those bagels, that nova, etc. But now, these signs just make me want to cry!

Like this (what are New York fries, anyway?)











and this (although I doubt it's anything like Totonno's or DiFara's)...








and finally - this...

Random Observations

Here are some random observations, some of which compare NYC and Winnipeg.

• It snowed a little today. It's October 8.

• Here, Thanksgiving is October 12. (I expect EVERYTHING to be closed.)
  

• Free bus transfers in Winnipeg only last an hour (as opposed to two hours in NYC), so you can't use that crafty Manhattan tactic of squeezing two trips onto one transfer (no taking the Lexington Avenue bus downtown and then going back up on the 6 train).

• NYC was built for pedestrians. Winnipeg was built for cars; according to Wikipedia, there's a municipal law which mandates that all new buildings contain large amounts of parking between the sidewalk and the building itself.
  

• At Staples stores in NYC, the printer ink is located behind the cash register. Winnipeg Staples stores apparently have more faith in their customers' honesty, so you can pick up your own ink in the ink aisle.

• Canadian banks hold onto your funds forever when you deposit a check (especially if it's a U.S. check). I deposited such a check on Sept. 30 and the funds were listed as being held until Oct. 23.

• Conveniently, Winnipeg post offices are located at the drug store. So you can send your Canadian pharmaceuticals to your U.S. relatives.
  

• In NYC, a cashier can't wait to get rid of you. In Winnipeg, a cashier will ask you for your phone number. He isn't trying to pick you up, though. He wants to know if you are a member of the store's "club" (this happens almost everywhere - pharmacy, grocery, health food store, etc.). Then, when you say you're not a member, you are asked which charity you would like to donate to. Even French fry places get into the act - the "New York" fries vendor at the Polo Park Mall sports a sign that says, "Help prevent childhood cancer." Somehow, I doubt stuffing your kid's face with French fries will help with this.
  

Sticker Shock and Produce Woes

You know how when you buy a magazine, the price will be something like $4.99 U.S./$5.99 Canada? I used to think this price discrepancy was due to the fact that the Canadian dollar was much weaker than the American dollar. But right now, the Canadian dollar is worth about 95% of the American.

So I've been a little taken aback at the exorbitant prices of goods here. An Eddie Bauer Yukon Classic Down Duffle Coat in the U.S. costs $199-$219. I'm pretty apprehensive about the legendary Winnipeg winters, so when I saw that there was an Eddie Bauer in the Polo Park Mall, I set about getting there in a hurry. Walking through the store, I indeed found this same coat... for a whopping $315. (Of course, this price does not include the double portion of taxes you must pay... the P.S.T., or provincial tax, and the G.S.T., or goods and services tax. In some provinces, alcohol is taxed an additional 10%, but I doubt this affects Canadian drinking habits).

I'm also adjusting to the fact that although you might be able to get whatever you want - whenever you want it - in NYC, the same does not go for Winnipeg -at least as far as produce is concerned. Blueberries have been unavailable at Safeway for at least a month, and will not be offered until they are once again "in season." And if you want broccoli rape (they call it "rapini" here), unless you have the foresight to get to La Grotta Del Formaggio on a Saturday, you will have to be content with a package of watery frozen greens from Organza Market.

Differences Between New York City and Winnipeg

As you can probably imagine, there are many ways in which New York and Winnipeg differ. (Some things are the same in both cities; there are lots of people begging for change.) Here are a couple:


1. To a New Yorker, the sign on the left usually means, "There are thirty-six people before me who already got their pound of pastrami, and if this freakin' line doesn't start moving any faster, I'm outta here."

To a Winnipegger, the sign means, "I think I'll wait patiently in this chair at the Health Science Centre Hospital Blood Lab." Yes, to have your blood drawn, you get a number just like at a New York deli. (This is kind of unrelated, but the hospital is also a popular place to play the lottery.)

2. New Yorkers have Crocs. Winnipeggers have...

NEW YORKER DUPES WINNIPEG

Apparently New Yorkers have been rubbing Winnipeg the wrong way since at least 1911.

Do You Want to Connect Here?

I don't know where the hell this major Winnipeg airline goes to, but I wonder if they charge a $150 change fee if you have to reschedule your flight because you were hospitalized for a minor health emergency at 7 months pregnant. Way to treat the incubators of the next generation, United Airlines!

Seriously, though. Does Bearskin make you pay in furs, or something? And what is up with all of these animals around here. At Winnipeg Customs today, a uniformed security officer led a velvety black dog back and forth. After the canine sniffed at the few of us who were standing on line, the officer took him away... and began playing fetch with him right in the room. I guess there aren't a lot of security threats over here.

(P.S. In the very unexpected event that you decide to fly from New York to Winnipeg, here is a word of warning. Because this is such an oft-visited destination, there are no direct flights from New York, so you have to connect through Chicago, Minneapolis, or Toronto. If you take a later flight to Chicago (on the beloved United Airlines), it will inevitably be late. Soon, a horde of people connecting to San Francisco will be given a gate number and a free pass to get off the plane before anyone else, and you, the lonely traveler to Winnipeg, will be ignored. You will probably miss your connecting flight to Winnipeg. Just for fun, my husband and I tested this out on two separate occasions, and yes, the San Franciscans were given priority service. I got to spend the night at a choice motel 15 miles away from O'Hare.)

Q&A for a New Yorker in Winnipeg

Before I left New York, a friend asked me to write a Q&A about moving to Winnipeg. Coincidentally, a Denver native wrote an essay entitled "An American in Calgary," which was published in today's Globe and Mail. Although my Q&A may overlap with the above article, I think I'll post it anyway.

Working in Winnipeg

Why do I need a work visa?

Because without it, Customs will not let your belongings cross the border. Since you cannot move into your new place, you might have to stay at a Holiday Inn until the end of your life, or until you get a work visa, or whichever happens first. (We ended up staying at a Holiday Inn for about two weeks. One night, someone set off the fire alarm at 12:30 a.m., and my six-month-pregnant self was forced to go up and down 10 flights of stairs. An hour after I hauled myself back to the room, the fire alarm went off again. It was quite a restful night.)

Can't I just get paid for donating my sperm?

No. As of 2004, it is illegal to be paid for sperm donation in Canada. Women can still import commercial U.S. sperm. But as you can imagine, you cannot get a work visa for this. So, you will have to stay at the Holiday Inn referenced above.

Can I just live off of credit cards, if I can't get a work visa?

No. With no Canadian credit, you will be denied a credit card. (I was. I was also denied a cell phone plan, as I have no Canadian credit card.) And you can't get a U.S. credit card if you have a foreign street address (the U.S. Patriot Act made sure of this).

I need to make some money. Couldn't I at least panhandle at an ATM?

Actually, very easily. You don't have to have an ATM card to access the area where 24-hour ATM's are located - all doors are open. However, if you want to open a bank account, or try to apply for a credit card which you will inevitably be denied, you can't just walk into a bank - you have to make an appointment.

Eating in Winnipeg

What is the local specialty?

You'll find elk and bison wherever you look. In fact, this month's WHERE Winnipeg Magazine lists the five top places to eat bison. There is also a freshwater fish called the pickerel, which swims around Lake Winnipeg, but apparently it is becoming dangerous to eat.

Will I be able to order unsweetened iced tea at a restaurant?

Nope.

Medical Care in Winnipeg

Is it true that healthcare is comprehensive in Canada?

Extremely. It also encompasses "Spiritual Care." After I got my Manitoba Health Card, I paid a visit to the Health Sciences Hospital (unfortunately, the Respiratory Division is very close to the Obstetrics/Gynecology Division, which is not very reassuring for pregnant women who are fearful of H1N1). As a first-time patient, I had to go to Admitting to get processed, and during the long wait, I read this sign on the wall:

SPIRITUAL CARE AT HEALTH SCIENCES

We provide a safe environment for those desiring:
A sounding board,
To explore existential questions and concerns, and
Compassion and non-judgmental feedback

Canadian healthcare thus provides not only the security of universal coverage, but a free discussion on the merits of Nietzschean philosophy. (If you don't have a Health Card, it only costs $40 to walk into a streetside health clinic. However, I don't know if the spiritual care is included.)

That Nutty Community of the Brotherhood of Yeshua

Last night, we went to a street fair in the Wolseley area, which is full of hard-bitten folks who look like they stepped out of the 1970's. Until recently, Wolseley was also home to an infamous house of ill repute where a 45-year-old mom turned tricks while renting out rooms so that others could do the same.

One of the vendors at the fair was the Common Ground Cafe. I walked in to try to get some tea but was instead given an informational lecture about how their yerba mate business funded their "community." I immediately recognized what was going on - many years ago, a Catholic friend of mine got sucked in by the Dorchester, MA branch of the Community of the Brotherhood of Yeshua, a communal Messianic cult. Within a few months, he had adopted a Hebrew name, grown his hair and beard, and moved into a room with at least 5 other dudes. One night, I visited the commune for dinner, and a member told me that he used to be a vegetarian and a jazz drummer, but had discovered "there were more important things in life."

"You'll have to come by next week for the bluefish dinner! We catch them ourselves."

I seriously considered returning, until I started getting calls at home from cult members urging me into the fold.

Friendly Manitoba

Yes, that's what the license plates say here. (Can you imagine a license plate that said "Friendly New York?") I decided to test the veracity of this slogan by taking a cab from the Holiday Inn we were staying at. The Sikh driver immediately engaged me in conversation.

Before long, the conversation turned to food. I asked him if where I could find good Indian food. He said something about a flight to Toronto, and then a transfer to New Delhi. "But what about in Winnipeg?" I asked.

"York Avenue," he said. "But, my wife, she is a great cook."

"Does she make chana masala?" I asked.

"Yes, she makes very good chana masala."

"What about saag paneer?"

"Oh yes, she makes saag paneer."

I thought a moment. "What about malai kofta?"

"Yes, malai kofta. Here, I will write my phone number on this piece of paper and my home address. My wife, she will teach you how to cook and make you some malai kofta. Her name is Balji."

The driver indeed handed over all of this information to a total stranger. (He also handed over all of his credit card numbers and Social Insurance number. Just kidding.)

"Why are you moving here..."

...asked the girl at the Rogers cell phone store. (I was later to be denied a cell phone plan, as I don't have any Canadian credit yet. I may also be denied a credit card, but that's a subject for another post.)

"My husband got a job, you see."

This is the short of it, anyway. I am writing this blog because you might want to know what it's like to move from New York City, USA (population 13 million), to Winnipeg, Canada (population 700,000).