Why Does Anyone Fly Air Canada?

Typical round-trip weekend fares from Winnipeg to Chicago:

Air Canada $1009
Delta Airlines $261
Northwest $261
United Airlines $371

Junk Mail

I assumed that one wouldn't receive as much tree-destroying junk mail in progressive Canada, but I'm regularly finding all sorts of random paper in the mailbox. On top of the Domino's and Safeway's coupons are brochures from political figures and the local government. My favorite so far is this newsletter from some organization that is funded by "Healthy Child Manitoba." It urges the reader to sing this song to the tune of Row, Row, Row Your Boat:

Wash, wash, wash your hands
Many times a day
Scrub and rub,
Rinse and dry,
And throw the germs away.

Flight of the Bumblef***

Although Winnipeg Customs officials like to play fetch with explosives-sniffing dogs, the folks at the security gate are seriously hardcore. I found out this weekend, when I flew to a town even further into the boondocks of Midwestern Canada (where the main attraction is a bar where you spin a roulette wheel to try to win a free steak dinner). At some of these bumblef*** airports, it's standard procedure to manually search EVERY carry-on after it passes through the machine. (It must be said that my experience was not as bad as that of the poor wheelchair-bound woman in front of me on my return trip. She made the mistake of naively carrying three transparent plastic bags, into which she had deposited all of her medications. Well, every single item in that bag was opened by a particularly diligent - and moronic- "security" agent.)

On my flight out, I noticed that every single person who walked through the security gate was setting off the alarm. So, every single person was being wanded by Security. I made the mistake of remarking about this to the woman behind me. "It must be broken," I opined. "Maybe I should just take off all my clothes," I went on, not thinking of the consequences. I preemptively took off my shoes and placed them in a bin.

Well, this was the red flag the security people were waiting for. They saw a harried pregnant woman and that was it. "Come over here, ma'am." Reluctantly, I did. An older man with a buzz cut asked me "how I was doing," in a tone of voice that said, "I want to get your goat." Mistake number two on my part - I replied, "Great, except my flight is boarding."

This provided the incentive for the man to slow his manual search of my handbag to a snail's pace. It was excruciating to watch him go through my Atlantic, my Economist. Finally I just put my hand on the bag and (mistake number three) blurted, "Just empty it out!! I'm from New York and they don't make you go through this, and WE'RE the ones who got hit on 9/11." The man said smugly, "You're in a different country now, ma'am," and called in a reinforcement - a female security official with overplucked eyebrows and a tight face. "I was trying to search this woman's bag and she grabbed it," he tattled.

"I just want to get on my flight, because it's boarding. Now where's my other bag????!"

"What other bag?" they both looked at each other and asked.

"My OTHER BAG that was just RIGHT HERE," I replied. "If something happened to it..."

It turns out I was considered such a threat that my other bag, which contained such contraband items as underwear, was put through the machine AGAIN after I made my ill-advised comments. I stood there while yet another official looked through all my undergarments. It was all I could do to not continue mouthing off.

I know I should have kept quiet, but I was pissed off because I'm pregnant and wanted to be left alone. However, I can't really complain after seeing what the handicapped woman had to go through. And I have now realized that if you want to get on an airplane in Midwestern Canada, you should leave an extra hour, because that's how long it will take for Security to manually search your bag.

Crime

Yes, crime (did you know there was crime in Canada? I thought it was a socialist paradise where everyone was courteous at all times). Over the weekend, two incidents happened in my neighborhood, one of which I just missed witnessing. In the first incident, I was walking back from the nearby Safeway (one of only two 24-hour grocery stores in the city) when I saw a man whose face was covered with mud. He was being led away by two men in outfits that appeared to be fashioned from neon green duct tape. Behind him was a man on a cell phone, who explained, "Armed robbery. The guy had a knife." As I continued to walk, I saw an overturned bicycle in the dirt, so I assume the thief was knocked off his bike as he attempted to flee.

The second incident was this one. (I wonder where the offender bought his wig and sunglasses. There's a store nearby that sells Halloween costumes.)

It's kind of ironic that people think New York City is dangerous; while there, I mostly just witnessed car accidents. (Well, there was that one time that I was threatened by a kid who wanted to me to get up from my subway seat so he could make a "scratchiti" masterpiece on the window. But he didn't follow through.)

Would You Like Some Anarchy With Those Organic Tampons?

The Mondragon Bookstore & Coffeehouse is happy to provide you with it. Located in the Exchange District, the old (read, pedestrian-friendly) part of downtown Winnipeg, it offers a vegan menu, small organic grocery, and a selection of books in your favorite subjects: TERRORISM, FASCISM, and IMPERIALISM. You can ponder your application to the Institute for Anarchist Studies while you sip some lemon-maple-ginger tea and munch on "San Francisco tofu strips." The grocery contains "non-exploitative products" like the aforementioned organic tampons, "Green Beaver" paraben-free deodorant, and hemp milk.

For those who need to heed nature's call, there's an:



I wonder which gender forgot to flush.

More Random Observations

• There is no mail delivery on Saturdays. (!!!)

• Smokers make up a large percentage of the population of Winnipeg.

• There is no such thing as a discounted "lunch special"... so forget about that $4.99 chicken chow mein with egg drop soup; it'll cost you at least $10.

• Rooibos tea is quite popular.

• It's almost impossible to buy an individual stick of butter. It mostly comes in half-pound slabs.
  

• Almost all Winnipeggers from ages 15-20 have a very painful-looking facial piercing (or four) as well as an extensive body tattoo. (During the few weeks of summer, they actually have the opportunity to expose this skin art. Otherwise, it stays safely hidden behind a 700-fill goose down parka.)

• Many middle-aged female Winnipeggers sport the spiky "Kate" haircut (of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight").
  

• Did you know that -40 degrees Celsius and -40 degrees Fahrenheit are the same thing? (Isn't it great that you've never had to know this?)
  

Typical Winnipeg Restaurant Scene

I was told that this scary sartorial choice is not unique to Winnipeg, but I wish someone would tell these people that red does not go with purple.

Poop

In NYC, we mostly just have dog poop, and horse poop by Central Park South. But in Winnipeg, Manitoba, there are many other kinds of poop. The big one was left by a bison (exhibition courtesy of the Manitoba Museum).

How Could You Not Be Homesick?

On trips to different towns and cities outside of NYC, my snobby self used to chuckle at how different businesses would advertise themselves as "New York style." Ha. As if. As if you could duplicate those bagels, that nova, etc. But now, these signs just make me want to cry!

Like this (what are New York fries, anyway?)











and this (although I doubt it's anything like Totonno's or DiFara's)...








and finally - this...

Random Observations

Here are some random observations, some of which compare NYC and Winnipeg.

• It snowed a little today. It's October 8.

• Here, Thanksgiving is October 12. (I expect EVERYTHING to be closed.)
  

• Free bus transfers in Winnipeg only last an hour (as opposed to two hours in NYC), so you can't use that crafty Manhattan tactic of squeezing two trips onto one transfer (no taking the Lexington Avenue bus downtown and then going back up on the 6 train).

• NYC was built for pedestrians. Winnipeg was built for cars; according to Wikipedia, there's a municipal law which mandates that all new buildings contain large amounts of parking between the sidewalk and the building itself.
  

• At Staples stores in NYC, the printer ink is located behind the cash register. Winnipeg Staples stores apparently have more faith in their customers' honesty, so you can pick up your own ink in the ink aisle.

• Canadian banks hold onto your funds forever when you deposit a check (especially if it's a U.S. check). I deposited such a check on Sept. 30 and the funds were listed as being held until Oct. 23.

• Conveniently, Winnipeg post offices are located at the drug store. So you can send your Canadian pharmaceuticals to your U.S. relatives.
  

• In NYC, a cashier can't wait to get rid of you. In Winnipeg, a cashier will ask you for your phone number. He isn't trying to pick you up, though. He wants to know if you are a member of the store's "club" (this happens almost everywhere - pharmacy, grocery, health food store, etc.). Then, when you say you're not a member, you are asked which charity you would like to donate to. Even French fry places get into the act - the "New York" fries vendor at the Polo Park Mall sports a sign that says, "Help prevent childhood cancer." Somehow, I doubt stuffing your kid's face with French fries will help with this.
  

Sticker Shock and Produce Woes

You know how when you buy a magazine, the price will be something like $4.99 U.S./$5.99 Canada? I used to think this price discrepancy was due to the fact that the Canadian dollar was much weaker than the American dollar. But right now, the Canadian dollar is worth about 95% of the American.

So I've been a little taken aback at the exorbitant prices of goods here. An Eddie Bauer Yukon Classic Down Duffle Coat in the U.S. costs $199-$219. I'm pretty apprehensive about the legendary Winnipeg winters, so when I saw that there was an Eddie Bauer in the Polo Park Mall, I set about getting there in a hurry. Walking through the store, I indeed found this same coat... for a whopping $315. (Of course, this price does not include the double portion of taxes you must pay... the P.S.T., or provincial tax, and the G.S.T., or goods and services tax. In some provinces, alcohol is taxed an additional 10%, but I doubt this affects Canadian drinking habits).

I'm also adjusting to the fact that although you might be able to get whatever you want - whenever you want it - in NYC, the same does not go for Winnipeg -at least as far as produce is concerned. Blueberries have been unavailable at Safeway for at least a month, and will not be offered until they are once again "in season." And if you want broccoli rape (they call it "rapini" here), unless you have the foresight to get to La Grotta Del Formaggio on a Saturday, you will have to be content with a package of watery frozen greens from Organza Market.

Differences Between New York City and Winnipeg

As you can probably imagine, there are many ways in which New York and Winnipeg differ. (Some things are the same in both cities; there are lots of people begging for change.) Here are a couple:


1. To a New Yorker, the sign on the left usually means, "There are thirty-six people before me who already got their pound of pastrami, and if this freakin' line doesn't start moving any faster, I'm outta here."

To a Winnipegger, the sign means, "I think I'll wait patiently in this chair at the Health Science Centre Hospital Blood Lab." Yes, to have your blood drawn, you get a number just like at a New York deli. (This is kind of unrelated, but the hospital is also a popular place to play the lottery.)

2. New Yorkers have Crocs. Winnipeggers have...